the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[PsYkHoTiK]

I dunno if this has ever been posted....

MEN'S RULES FOR WOMEN
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

(Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, and you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows', default settings. Peach, for example; is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Somewhat true...

THE BENEFITS OF EXERCISE
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The main reason I took up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least:
The bad thing about exercise is that it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[Adrian Wong]

ROTFL!!!!! Absolutely hilarious! And so VERY true!!!!

[Chai]

How can a joke be funny and true at the same time???

[ESP]

I don't understand this one.

The bad thing about exercise is that it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[siddiq]

Originally Posted by ESP

I don't understand this one.

me too. but others

[Adrian Wong]

Originally Posted by ESP

I don't understand this one.

LOL! That's exactly what it means.

We enjoy our drinks and exercise just gets in the way -> it causes the ice to jump out of our glasses!!

[ESP]

Still don't get it.

[Adrian Wong]

Originally Posted by ESP

Still don't get it.

Well, maybe it could be improved by saying instead...

The bad thing about exercise is that it makes me spill my beer!

[PsYkHoTiK]

Hahahaa.. Change the wordings abit.... I hope he gets it now...

[ESP]

Still don't get it. Why spill the beer?