the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[Falcone]

Now this is a bit dirty, but so damn funny

The Voodoo Dick!

A businessman, who would take extended business trips, was tired of his wife's extracurricular activities while he was away. So he decides to get her some "toys" to keep her occupied while he's gone.

He goes to an adult store, and strikes up a conversation with the old guy behind the counter, explaining his situation to him. The old guy says, "Well, we have all kinds of toys, vibrators, stimulators, but, I don't know of anything that could keep her busy for a month at a time. However, there is....... no, never mind." The businessman says, "What is it? Come on, tell me." The old guy says, "Well, there is the Voodoo Dick."

The old man reaches under the counter, and brings out an old wooden box with strange carvings on it. When he opened the lid, there was a very ordinary-looking vibrator inside, nestled in velvet.

The businessman says, "That looks like everything else you've got in the store. What's so special about that?" "Ah," the old man says, "but watch what it can do." The old guy points to the door and says, "Voodoo Dick, the door." The Voodoo Dick rose up out of the box, flew at the door, and started to screw the keyhole. After a few minutes, a long crack opened in the middle of the door from the forceful thrusts, and the old guy said, "Voodoo Dick, the box." The Voodoo Dick stopped, and floated back to settle in the box again.

The businessman was stunned. "It's perfect!" He decided to buy it, but the old guy said, "It's not for sale." After some discussion, they settled on a price of $700.00, and the businessman drove home to get ready for his trip.

Before leaving, he gave the Voodoo Dick to his wife. "Now, I don't want any of your boyfriends over here while I'm gone, so if you get horny, all you have to do is say, Voodoo Dick, my pussy, and it'll take care of you."

Sure enough, a few days after the man left, his wife was thinking about which guy to call when she remembered the Voodoo Dick. She took off her clothes, laid on the bed, and said, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy." The Voodoo Dick floated up out of the box, and flew at her crotch. The thrusts were like she had never felt before, and within a few minutes had several orgasms, but after the 5th one, she decided she had enough.

Unfortunately, her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop it. She tried repeatedly to pull it out, as numerous orgasms left her limp as a dishrag. She finally decided she had to go to the hospital for help.

She got up, shakily put her clothes on, and got in her car. On the way to the hospital, a particularly intense orgasm ripped through her, and she swerved the car, almost hitting a telephone pole. A police cruiser noticed her car weaving all over the road, and he pulled her over.

The cop demanded to see her license, registration and insurance, and said to her, "Ma'am, how much have you had to drink tonight? I've been following you for 2 miles and you're all over the road."

The woman, lying weakly in the driver's seat says, "Oh no, Officer. I haven't had anything to drink. I have to go to the hospital because I have a Voodoo Dick stuck in my pussy that keeps making me cum and I can't get it out."

The cop just looks at her for a minute, and says, "Yeah, right. Voodoo Dick, my ass."

[Max_87]

Big Boss Man

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any ******* will do.

now this is REALLY REALLY funny

[TungstenBoy]

waaaaa......so many new jokes!!!!!!!
come come!!!!!!.....more jokes!!!!!!!!

[TungstenBoy]

here is new 1 from me!!!!!!

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't **** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

[TungstenBoy]

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shirt?
It stands for, "Tits Go In Front."

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shirt?
It stands for, "Tits Go In Front."

[Falcone]

ok this is not exactly jokes, but did really happen.

Good Slips Of Tongue!

SPORTS COMMENTATOR SLIP-UPS :

- "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter : Former Boxer)

-"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."
(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)

- "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh horse racing commentator)

- "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett: NBA Basketball Player )

- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which
is identical."
(Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

- "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother."
(Greg Norman : Golfer) (Must be CS5's family )

- "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again."
(Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)

- "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)

- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing
the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

- "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field"
(Metro Radio : Julian Dicks is now a retired footballer)

- "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for
even longer."
(David Acfield : Cricket Player)

- "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in
football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

- "And there goes (Alberto) Juantorena down the back straight, opening
his legs and showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

- "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that
before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.....Oh
my God! What have I just said?!!!"
(US PGA Commentator)

- "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is
behind the brown."
(Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)

- True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So,
Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, as they were laughing so
hard!!

[TungstenBoy]

funnie comments!!!!......all dat can consider jokes!!!!! .....ppl realli funie!!!!
see dis one!!!!

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been real good friends for a long time. Well one day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.

When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and stuff they had going into the deacon.

The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand.

''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes.

So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.

At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service.

''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''

The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''

[TungstenBoy]

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrarri?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside...

[TungstenBoy]

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.

The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

[TungstenBoy]

dis one a bit politic......

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.
The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."