the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[zachig]

Clarence Thomas (associate Justice) dies and immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him at customs.

"I have a problem with you!" says the devil. "You're on my list, but we're booked solid. However, you definitely have a confirmed reservation for this place, so here's what I'm going to do. We've got some folks here, whose qualifications weren't quite as illustrious as yours. I'll agree to let one of them go, and you can take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Uncle Clarence thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was George W. Bush surrounded by bodies of American soldiers. His task was to carry each one of them out of enemy lines to safety. Over, and over, and over he walked back and forth for endless
miles, carrying wounded, suffering 20-year olds.

Such was his fate in hell.

"No," said Clarence. "I don't think so. I'm not that strong or fit, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was George Bush senior with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if I had to break rocks all day, every day!" commented Clarence.

The devil opened a third door.

Through it, Clarence saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in stirrups, in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Clarence looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I could handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[Adrian Wong]

Originally Posted by zachig

Clarence Thomas (associate Justice) dies and immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him at customs.

"I have a problem with you!" says the devil. "You're on my list, but we're booked solid. However, you definitely have a confirmed reservation for this place, so here's what I'm going to do. We've got some folks here, whose qualifications weren't quite as illustrious as yours. I'll agree to let one of them go, and you can take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Uncle Clarence thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was George W. Bush surrounded by bodies of American soldiers. His task was to carry each one of them out of enemy lines to safety. Over, and over, and over he walked back and forth for endless
miles, carrying wounded, suffering 20-year olds.

Such was his fate in hell.

"No," said Clarence. "I don't think so. I'm not that strong or fit, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was George Bush senior with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if I had to break rocks all day, every day!" commented Clarence.

The devil opened a third door.

Through it, Clarence saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in stirrups, in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Clarence looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I could handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

ROTFL!! I pity both Clarence and Bill.

[Jet]

Three Dads

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on
a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight
people to collect all the money!"

[Andrew]

After reading Adrian's post about What to do if you're stopped by the Malaysian police, I've decided to post this to show you what you shouldn't say to a policeman if you happen to get pulled over on the road:

1. Would you mind holding my beer while I get my driving license?
   
   
2. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
   
   
3. Hey, you must have been doing at least 140 km/h to keep up with me. Good job!
   
   
4. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a policeman.
   
   
5. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish Year 6 in primary school instead.
   
   
6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
   
   
7. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
   
   
8. Thanks Officer ... the last policeman who stopped me only gave me a warning too!
   
   
9. I was just trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around ... that's how far ahead of me they are.
   
   
10. No, ossifer ... I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
    
    
11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 120 kmh.
    
    
12. Back off, dude. I've got a sub-machine gun in here.
    
    
13. I was just trying to race you to the station.
    
    
14. I know I was weaving in and out of lanes, but I was just trying to hit all the little green men on the road!
    
    
15. Can we stop to get a six-pack on the way to the station?
    
    
16. Please hurry up and write the ticket. The bar closes in 20 minutes!
    
    
17. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
    
    
18. I'll show you my license when I'm good and ready! Can't you damn well see that I'm on the phone?

Pardon me if this has been posted before.

[Adrian Wong]

ROTFL!!! Hilarious!! They sound familiar although I'm not sure if they were posted in the Jokes thread!!

And frankly, I don't think most of our policemen will understand the jokes!!!

[Papercut]

[*]No, ossifer ... I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

Haha, reminds me of my favourite bumper sticker at a shop in Plaza Singapura (yes, that place with the scary poster)... "I am not as think as you stoned I am"

[zachig]

A husband is telling is wife just before having sex:

"I want you to tell me before you're getting an orgasm".

So the wife answers: "You want me to call tommorow while you're at work?"

[zachig]

A woman accidently enters into men's toilet room.
There, she sees a black guy holding his huge pennis in his hands.
She screams and steps backward.
Sot the black guy says: "That's OK, I'm holding it!"

[zachig]

A woman had no luck with her three previous husbands: the first, ran away, the second, was very bad in sex and the third, beat her all the time.
So, she advertised in the newspaper that she's looking for a husband that "won't beat, won't run away and will be good in sex".
One day she hears a ring at the doorbell. She opens the door and sees a man on a wheelchair with no hands.
She's asking him what is he doing there, so he tells her that he arrived after he read the ad in the newspaper: "I can't run away, because I don't have legs. I can't beat you, because I don't have hands."
So, the woman asks: "...and how good you are in bed?"
So, he answers: "Lady, how do you think I've ringed the bell?"

[zachig]

And last one...

I man goes to a beatiful woman at a very crowded supermarket and tells her: "I've lost my wife, can you talk to me for a few seconds?"
The woman is shocked and asks: "Why do you need to talk to me?"
So he answers: "Everytime I'm talking to a woman with a beautiful breast like yours, my wife just pops out of nowhere!"