the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[Chai]

If you want Murray Walker's funny commentatories...I can tell a few from my head!

"There's nothing wrong with the car, except it's on FIRE!"



Murray: Bernie, it's some 17 years since you bought Mclaren, you have some good times, and you have some bad times, what do you remember best?

Bernie Ecclestone: I don't remember buying Mclaren.

Murray: I've done it again!

Bernie Ecclestone, current F1 boss, former Brabham team owner.

[Falcone]

Personally I like this one
[During a F1 race, describing how the leader can see the driver following him] "... Mansell can see him in his earphone..."[Suppose to be mirror]

And this is nice as well
As an introductory piece for a rallysprint race, Murray was put in the Navigator's seat alongside Tony Pond in a Chevette HSR (270 BHP, rwd, and TWITCHY), added an in-car camera, and wired Murray for sound. The result can be deduced by extrapolating his usual excitement and enthusiasm, and adding a large pinch of raw terror! "And there's a 600 foot drop on my left..AND we're doing 120 mph... AND we're approaching a hairpin...OH MY GOD we're going to die..."

[Max_87]

Microsoft VS. GM

At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

[TungstenBoy]

Originally Posted by Chai

If you want Murray Walker's funny commentatories...I can tell a few from my head!

"There's nothing wrong with the car, except it's on FIRE!"



Murray: Bernie, it's some 17 years since you bought Mclaren, you have some good times, and you have some bad times, what do you remember best?

Bernie Ecclestone: I don't remember buying Mclaren.

Murray: I've done it again!

Bernie Ecclestone, current F1 boss, former Brabham team owner.

dis murray guy sound st00pid.......how come he can become commentator????????

[TungstenBoy]

my jokes now.........

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[Chai]

Murray Walker had been a commentator for more than 50 years before retiring in 2001. These are some of his mistakes. Some are not actually mistakes, they just make no sense even though he's not at all wrong!

50 years is long! If he's a lousy commentator, he won't been working for this long, and even when he was retiring, everyone pleaded him not to retire, and I'm one of them... He's one of the best F1 commentator!

Ok, back to jokes pls.

[TungstenBoy]

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.

The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''

The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''

Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

[TungstenBoy]

A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is gonna meet a young girl.

The teller tells him, “ Yes, you are.”

The frog replies, “Where? In a bar or at a party?”

The teller says, “In biology class!”

[TungstenBoy]

all about shit!!!!!!!!!!

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.

The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!

The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

[TungstenBoy]

Hilarious Signs

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

........i like the last 1!!!!!!!!!!!!