the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[Jet]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying, "And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" Mr. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing.

Finally, the president looks up and asks, "Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?"

[Adrian Wong]

Originally Posted by Jet

ROTFL!!!!!!

VERY good one, Jet!!!

[Adrian Wong]

> An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is
> very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after
> arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his
> penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he
> immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen
> anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
> return in two days for the results.
>
> The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've
> got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
> almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks
> a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and
> fix me up, doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known
> cure.
>
> We're going to have to amputate your penis."
> The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second
> opinion."
>
> The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want,
> but surgery is your only choice."
> The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that
> he'll know more about the disease.
>
> The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
> "Ah, yes, Mongorian VD. Velly lare disease."
>
> The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but
> what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
> penis." The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican
> docta, arways want to cut, cut, cut. Make more money, that way. No need
to
> operate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
> "Yes," says the Chinese doctor,
> "You no wolly, can save money. You wait two weeks. Penis fall off by
> itself!"

[Adrian Wong]

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

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Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love

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Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born

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Waiter : I have stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

------------------------------------------

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?

Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!

--------------------------------------------------

Manager : Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help
anyway!

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Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?"
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."

---------------------------------------------------

"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"

---------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."

----------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"

----------------------------------------------------

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal is a sick eagle."

[Jet]

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25
year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask,
"Bob,how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade
her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do
you mean? Did you tell her you were 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."

What a damn cunning old geezer..

[Adrian Wong]

Originally Posted by Jet

What a damn cunning old geezer..

ROTFL!!! Very SMART!!!

[vien]

CONFUSING ENGLISH

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetab! les, what do humanitarians eat?? Human ???

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???

Get Back to WORK

[Jet]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!
Saw that at frenster..

[Adrian Wong]

ROTFL!! Good for a laugh at work!!

[aKho]

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,he finally bought a centipede, (a 100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him, so he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!?"

A little voice came out of the box:......................
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."