the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[TungstenBoy]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

[TungstenBoy]

dis a bit sick.......but funnie also!!!!!!!

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says, "Mommy, mommy! Grandpa hanged himself in the living room!"

His mother runs into the living room, and sees no one there. Angrily, she says, "Listen. You should never lie like that to me again, do you understand!?!"

"I'm sorry," says the boy. "I was just kidding. He hanged himself in the basement."

[TungstenBoy]

now ur turn!!!!!!!!

[Falcone]

Things We Learnd From The Movies

*During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

*All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

*Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman; but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

*The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty

*Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

*Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

*If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.

*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

*Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

*If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.

*Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.

*You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

*You can tell if somebody is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.

*When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

*Taxi drivers don't require exact or even approximate payment - the first bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.

*Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.

*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.

*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

[Falcone]

Mommy and Uncle Fred

February 10, 2003


It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number.

[Falcone]

Christmas Morning Surprise


Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.

She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.

While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said. "You were right, all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

[TungstenBoy]

ur jokes r realli funnie!!!!!!!! more more more!!!!!!!!

[Falcone]

Condom Count


A father is in the drugstore with his young son when the boy discovers the condom aisle. "What are these, Dad?"

"Well, son, those are condoms. They're for protection when you're having sex."

The son points to a pack and asks, "Why does it have only three in it, Dad?"

"Well, son, those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Well, why does this pack have six in it?"

"Well, son, those are for college men: two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"Well then, what about this package with 12 in it?"

"Well, son, those are for married men: one for January, one for February..."

Ok no more......

[TungstenBoy]

i start again!!!!!

A kid stands up in class and says, "Teacher, teacher, does honey have legs?"

And the teacher replies, "No, why do you ask?"

"Because," says the little boy, "Last night I heard my dad saying, 'honey open your legs, honey open your legs!'"

[TungstenBoy]

Women are like bikes -- the harder you ride them the better they perform.