the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[TungstenBoy]

Q: A blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff. Who hit bottom first?

A: The brunette -- the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

[TungstenBoy]

A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow.

Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me."

She leans up to him and whispers "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

[Falcone]

James Bond's Special Watch

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[Falcone]

Let's Play - Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!


A husband and wife were getting ready for bed one evening.

"Honey," the fellow asked, "do you want to have make love tonight?"

"No dear, not tonight," she replied.

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer!"

"In that case," he said, "may I phone a friend?"

[Adrian Wong]

ROTFL!! This is a great thread!

Keep it up, guys!

[Falcone]

20 Years In Jail


A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "

[Falcone]

Watch What You Wish For


Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork stuck in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I Tonto, Indian Genie. I grant-um one wish.' And I said, 'No shit.'"

[Dashken]

Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple, Mr & Mrs Ng with

their 3 lovely triplet daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella.

The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper fashion and when they

reached 20, their parents thought it was time to get them married.

So, the parents found them the most suitable " leng chais" ( handsome guys

).

They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon.

As "concerned" (more like "kay-poh") parents, Mr & Mrs Ng were curious about

their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on

their respective honeymoons, Mrs Ng told them......" Your father and I want

to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you were satisfied.

Write a letter to us, but so as not to raise your husbands' curiosity...you

all must use a code-name to describe your experiences".

So, the excited daughters were off.

A week passed. Mr & Mrs Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine.

They opened the letter and found the word "STANDARD CHARTERED". They

immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered

advertisement. "Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard

Chartered was.... "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY" Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.

A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The

content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the neswpaper and looked

for the Nescafe ad. "Ah! here it is. "NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP".

Again, Mr & Mrs Ng beamed with joy.

Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There was still no letter

from Ella. The Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was

scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out.

The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES".

Why Singapore Airlines? Mr.Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a

newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!" Mrs.Ng

grabbed the page and read aloud.

Before she could finish .THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair. The motto was...

"7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP".

[Dashken]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a
beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man,
clutching a clip board and yelling, You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the
Chinese man starts to yell louder. 'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong
man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he
opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake
pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You
sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes
the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the
wrong man! I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face
again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the
afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man
thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up
the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want
these!
Do you understand?

'You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give
these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his
clipboard, and it says:


(It's a beauty)






(wait for it)






Get your best Chinese accent ready.....





"You not Nissan Main Dealer?

[TungstenBoy]

i start again........

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.

The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''

The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''

The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''