the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[Adrian Wong]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

He said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

He thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[Adrian Wong]

Check this sexual calorie counter out!

[Adrian Wong]

Some Q&As...

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

[Max_87]

Nice one!

[Chai]

Dumb but funny jokes haha

[The_YongGrand]

Back around in '94, there was a scientist who discovered a flaw in the early Pentium Processors - the FDIV bug.

The calculation was something like that -

4195835.0/3145727.0 = 1. 333 820 449 136 241 000 (correct value)

4195835.0/3145727.0 = 1. 333 739 068 902 037 589 (Pentium processor's bug)

So that kind of problem, of course, in the computer folklore, gave birth to some funny jokes:

Intels new motto: "United We Stand, Divided We Fall"

Intel, Quality is Job 0.99989960954

The Pentium doesn't have bugs or produce errors; it's just
Precision-Impaired.

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

[ToyotaFreak]

No offence ladies.....

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.............................................49

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone

Athletic......................................No boobs

Average looking..................................Ugly

Beautiful...........................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure......................On medication

Feminist.......................................... Fat

Free spirit....................................Junkie

Friendship first..........................Former very *friendly* person

Fun..........................................Annoy ing

New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned..................................No BJs

Open-minded.................................Desperate

Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk

Professional....................................B! tch

Voluptuous...................................Very Fat

Large frame................................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
.
.
.
WOMEN'S LANGUAGE:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
.
.
.
MEN'S LANGUAGE:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.

3. I am tired = I am tired.

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now.

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

*Runs away*

[strawroot]

hahhahahahah everything also leads to sex eventually

[ToyotaFreak]

Office Toilet Joke.

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more
consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all.

In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the
sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:

1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip
credits.

2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will
not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.

3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall
occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into
dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.

4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board.

5. Anyone caught smiling in the photo will undergo counseling.

6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening.

[PsYkHoTiK]

Don't know if this has been posted before or not. But men ponder not on such trivial matters! LOL!

The International Rules of Manhood



1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6: Any complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge
is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is
unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday
is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never, ever
ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel ... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by
the phone to avoid any confusion. Be prepared to hang up immediately,
if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken, monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling
weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green (except a certain '69 Dodge),
orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who answers the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets
an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for any man to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. NEVER, EVER !

Took this off another forum.