the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[strawroot]

A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go doggy style!!!!"

[Adrian Wong]

ROTFL!!! Any more??? These are hilarious!!

[PsYkHoTiK]

Another one from another forum.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.X. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.X installed itself into all other
programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racin' R/C 4.6, I can't seem to keep Wife 1.X in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. Wife constantly Pops Up making odd quacking sounds over anything I'm doing and annoys me with things that it wants me to do, places it wants me to go or products it wants me to buy. I've turned my speakers down to the point that I can't hear the racket but still I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0. Will the complete uninstall work on Wife 1.X. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.X, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.X is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.X and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or
purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.X is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.X manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.X and work on improving the situation. The alternative is a complete reformat that causes most Men to lose everything and start over. Your system would have to be completely hosed to warrant such a drastic remedy and even then you will end up reinstalling the latest version of Wife 1.x and probably end up hosed again before it's over.

I suggest installing this workaround application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best long term course of action is to click Start-Run and enter the command C:\SystemRestore\Apologize32.exe because ultimately you will have to execute the Apologize32 process before the system will return to normal anyway. This command should be run repeatedly until system is restored. If your system says "Apologize32.exe File Not Found" you should check your path statement first and make sure you haven't copied it over to some archive folder. Otherwise, you better hope you haven't emptied the recycle bin, because this is one thing you can never afford to permanently delete.

Wife 1.X is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.X comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.X is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt and Thong 6.9. This application is not supported by Wife 1.X and the conflicts will cause irreversible damage to your entire operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

LMAO this part is awesome...

"Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.X is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! "

[strawroot]

hahaha i read this before, but its still funny

[Chai]

Originally Posted by Adrian Wong

Check this sexual calorie counter out!

I missed this! Just read this, really LMAO!!!

[ToyotaFreak]

>
> Two blondes living in Jumeirah were sitting on a bench talking ...
>
> And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
> away..Abu Dhabi or the moon?"
>
> The other blonde turns and says "Halloooooooooooooo, can you see Abu
> Dhabi?"
>
>
> CAR TROUBLES
>
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic
> it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
>
> She says, "What's the story?"
>
> He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
>
> She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
>
>
> RIVER WALK
>
> There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
> another blonde on the opposite ban. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
> get to the other side?
>
> The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, and shouts
> back, "You ARE on the other side!"
>
>
> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
>
> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
> her body hurt wherever she touched it.
>
> "Impossible!" says the doctor; "show me."
>
> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,
> then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
> and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
>
> Everywhere she touched made her scream.
>
> The doctor said, "You are not really a redhead, are you?"
>
> "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
>
> "I thought so," the doctor said - "Your finger is broken!"
>
>
> IN A VACUUM
>
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
> rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
> "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
>
> She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it ON or OFF?"

[ToyotaFreak]

5 DON'Ts when you are sleeping

>DON'T SLEEP WITH A WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

>DON'T SLEEP WITH A PHONE
Placing the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not
encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.

>DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulties in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.

>DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

>DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE OR HUSBAND
You may never wake up again....

[strawroot]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all
getting married within a short time period. Because
Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life
would get started, she made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few
words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days
after the wedding. The card said nothing
but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then
went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It
said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but
was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a
week after the wedding, and the card
read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go
straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read
from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long.
King
Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but
still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the
Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing.
Another week went by, and still, nothing. Then,
after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written
on it, in shaky handwriting, were the
words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest
Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the
pages, fearing the worst, and finally found the ad
for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day,
seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

[Chai]

Some funny pics...

[strawroot]

haha absolute vodka at work!
the toilet paper for mother in law is cool