the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[TungstenBoy]

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

BURGER KING!!!!!!!!!!!

[Chai]

1) What is a KISS?
It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.

2) Latest Statistics: What men do after sex? 2% eat. 3% smoke cigarettes. 4% take shower.5% go to sleep. 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

3) Why is your dick better than a credit card?
1.Once spent recharges itself.
2.It is accepted worldwide.
3.You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

4) LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neigh bor's son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!

5) A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

6) A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No,I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

7) Women top 5 lies:
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!

9) What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F***ED!!!


10 ) Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".

12) What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain??
Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.

14) MUM: Didn't I tell you if stranger touches your breast say "DON'T". And if he touches your pussy say STOP!
GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him
DON'T STOP!!!!"

You might ask what happened to the missing numbers, I don't find it funny, and it's too obscene.

[TungstenBoy]

> A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
> brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
>
> The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Maui Jim
> sunglasses and Zegna tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd,
> "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will
> you give me one?"
>
> The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
> peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure.
> Why not?" The yuppie
> parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to
> his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
> calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
> location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
> area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
>
> The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
> exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
> Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
> has been processed and the data stored.
>
> He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
> spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this
> data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives
> a response.
>
> Finally, he prints out full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
> miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd
> and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
>
> "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
> shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
> on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then
> the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
> what your business is, will you give him back to me?"
>
> The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
> not?"
>
> "You're a consultant," says the shepherd. "Wow!
> That's correct," says the
> yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
>
> "No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here
> even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
> already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap
> about my business...... Now give me back my dog!"

[TungstenBoy]

Q: What did Raggedy Ann do when she was horny?

A: She sat on Pinocchio's nose and said, “Tell the truth tell a lie tell the truth tell a lie tell the truth tell a lie tell the truth tell a lie!!!”

[TungstenBoy]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

[TungstenBoy]

3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity.

So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a naked chick. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower.

So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves.

Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesnt ring. The woman nods.

"Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."

"Ding-ding!"

.........more like a homo test!!!!!!!

[playahata123789]

A priest, lawyer, and a doctor walk into a bar.

The bartender looks over and says, "What is this? A joke?"

one of my favorites!!!!

[wiiz]

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
-David Letterman

[CleanSerious5]

from talking cock .com

Proton Cars

Dr M were meeting the other Asean leaders in KL. As the Proton (Wira and Perdana) sales were not going too well, he took the opportunity to do some hard sell to these guys.

Dr M: 'President Suharto, how many Protons will you be able to buy?' Suh.: '2000 is not a problem.'

Dr M (very happy): 'Thanks. President Ramos, how about you?'

Ramos: 'Deliver 5000 to Philipines next week.'

Dr M: 'Thanks for the support.'

Sultan Bolkiah (determined not to be outdone): 'Brunei roads can well afford another 10,000 Protons. Send them over next month.'

Dr M by now is very pleased that his hard sell is doing so well. Finally he turned to Goh Chok Tong.

Dr M: 'Mr Goh, how about you?'

Goh: 'I will take 500 cars, but with the special condition that they be painted in pink.'

Dr M: 'That is not a problem. But I wonder, why choose pink when we have so many other nice colours?'

Goh: 'That's because I have to find 500 suckers.'

[Ishtim]

CS5 is my best friend!