the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[Adrian Wong]

Here are excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records. They were questions asked by REAL lawyers. Enjoy...

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?


Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?


Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?


The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?


Were you alone or by yourself?


Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?


Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?


Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?


Do you have any children or anything of that kind?


Was that the same nose you broke as a child?


Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


So, you were gone until you returned?


You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?


Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.


A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."


Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

[lee_what2004]

Originally Posted by Adrian Wong

Here are excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records. They were questions asked by REAL lawyers. Enjoy...

nice nice

[lee_what2004]

Drunken master???

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

[Adrian Wong]

Here's another lawyer joke.

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

[lee_what2004]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

[pyroboy1911]

Originally Posted by Adrian Wong

Here's another lawyer joke.

haha...i read another version of this joke...replace the two man with Najib and Sammy Velu

[Adrian Wong]

Originally Posted by lee_what2004

ROTFL!! That is a very good one!!!!

[Adrian Wong]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Now, who's smarter???

[lee_what2004]

Originally Posted by Adrian Wong

Now, who's smarter???

no one
its the bull

[lee_what2004]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

"How many can you afford?"

It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.

Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"

Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.

Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, lawyers only screw us.