the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[lee_what2004]

found a new one

[Chai]

NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[Adrian Wong]

LOL!! That is freaking hilarious!!

I've read it a few times but it is ALWAYS funny!!

[Unixlord]

That's actually quite true and in a way sad.

[Chai]

A lady walks into a very upscale jewelry shop. She browses around,
spots at beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
Bending over to get a closer look, she accidentally passes gas.

Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments and then slowly
straightens up and turns around to see whether anyone has noticed her
little accident. Her worst fears are confirmed in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with a very
professional, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Hoping against hope that he may just not have been there at the time
of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this
lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit when I tell you the price.'

[Falcone]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh ! God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted.

[lee_what2004]

Is Windows a virus?
With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus.
In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

[Unixlord]

Awesome one Lee! That's exactly the story of Vista.

[Chai]

Originally Posted by Unixlord

Awesome one Lee! That's exactly the story of Vista.

It's the same for all Windows, except maybe Windows 2000.

[lee_what2004]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mama!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like
Warning! Spoiler Below:
DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"