the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[Dashken]

I think posted before already. But...

Interpretation bias

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy .

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of

the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins,

the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek to represent them.

Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate. 'To make it

more interesting', he said, 'neither side would be allowed to talk'.

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Pek and the Pope

sat opposite each other.


Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Pek looked
back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Pek pointed
to the ground at where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Pek pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: 'I give up. This man is too good. The
Chinese can stay.'




The cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened ?
The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the holy
trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there
was still one God common to both our religions.'
'Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around
us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was
also right here with us.'




'I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He


showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer


for everything. What could I do?'




Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek. 'What

happened?' they asked.

'Well,' said Ah Pek, 'First he indicated to me that all Chinese had


3 days to get out of here. I stuck my middle finger up and I replied to him f*@k


off and not one of us was leaving.'




'Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese.

I showed him that we are staying right here.'




'Yes, and then? and then??' asked the crowd.


'I don't know la', said Ah Pek, 'He took out his lunch, and I

took out mine lor !!!'










Confirm that the Chinese are the greatest.

[Chai]

The Day the Pe nis asked for a Raise
Dear Virgina
I the Pe nis hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,


P. Niss
The Response:

Dear Penis
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

I think it was posted before, but still funny.

[lee_what2004]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."

wonder what happened

[lee_what2004]

A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"

well, what can you say

[Chai]

Originally Posted by lee_what2004

well, what can you say

A son younger than 10 did that???

[Chai]

Tomato Story

A Jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft.

The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed" he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email".

"I'm sorry", said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,

he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ..

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.


He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.

When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.

The man replied, "I don't have an email."

The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!" The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story


Moral 1

Internet is not the only solution to your life.

Moral 2

If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3

If you have received this message by email/Internet,

you are closer to being a office boy/girl, than a millionaire...........

[strawroot]

awesome!

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

[Chai]

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

[lee_what2004]

One day, at work, Joe says to John behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," John replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the chemists at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs 20 bucks ...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the chemists. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. He hurries back to the chemists, eager to check the results. He deposits 20 bucks, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

when will it comes

[Unixlord]

OMG that's frickin hilarious!