the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[Chai]

Hahahaha...good jokes!!! Last one is pretty funny!

[strawroot]

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once." We call this arranged marriage.

"I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell of a lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for three years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems...

[strawroot]

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'

[lee_what2004]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

[Adrian Wong]

Originally Posted by strawroot

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'

ROTFL!! That's a very good tip!!!

I recommend Chai try it when he gets married...

[Dashken]

1) Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.
Mom asked 'How do you know?'
Girl replied 'Last night when we made love, his cock was still in
plastic cover.'

(2) Bangladesh Worker: 'Sir, me no come to work, me sick.'
Boss: ' When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it.'
2 hours later Bangladesh Worker: 'Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You got
nice house.'

(3) After sex, Thai girl kept fondling man's cock.
Man asked: 'Why? Want to have sex again?'
Thai Girl replied: 'No lah, just admiring your cock. I used to have one
before.'

(4) Women's lives are hrd. Morning wash clothes. Noon hang clothes.
Evening keep clothes. Nite iron clothes.
Midnight take off clothes. After midnight find clothes.

(5) To make it straight she pulls it. To make it stand she rubs it.
To make it stiff she licks it. To let it in she pushes it. True?
Threading a needle is not easy.

(6) Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
'Anyone got a cock?' All men rose.
'I meant anyone seen a cock?' All women rose.
'I mean anyone seen my cock?' All nuns rose.

(7) A Sad story. A woman's husband died & she had him cremated.
She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said
' Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you.'

(8) Girl: 'Mom what is a penis?'
Mom: 'When you become a good ! girl you will get one.'
Girl: 'But mom what if I am not a good girl?'
Mom: 'Then you will get many!'

(9) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:
'If I give you $3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?'
Secretary: 'Everything sir! Dress, Bra and Panties.'

(10) Schoolgirl: 'I do not want to take the sex Education class.'
Teacher: 'Why?'
Schoolgirl: 'Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral.'

(11) Two sperms talking on mobile.
Ist: 'I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you close
by?'
2nd: 'No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the
tonsils.'

(12) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is
a PENI. This is because it can be lifted up even by a simple thought

[The_YongGrand]

Lol'ed at No.2 and the other funny ones!

Here's the another one: "Don't touch, pen is stuck here!"



The message was pasted in some photostat machine or a printer which the pen got inside it and jammed!

[Chai]

Wahahaha...good jokes...

[Adrian Wong]

ROTFL!!! Those are really funny!!!

PS. Dash, your last joke has a typo? I think it's supposed to be PENIS.

[Adrian Wong]

TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY....A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE :
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9.. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20.. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO :
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO :
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT :
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1. Leave him alone