the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

[wodenus]

Originally Posted by Adrian Wong

Let's all hope he doesn't come across a Renault Cinquecento (Cinquecento is Italian for five hundred )

[wodenus]

The Italian Tourist

A tourist from Italy was visiting America, and he stayed in Norfolk, Virginia.

He went to breakfast one morning, and ordered two pieces of toast. The waitress, Virginia, only brings him one piece! He says to her, "Virginia, I want two piece!" Virginia says, "You go to toilet!" The tourist answers, "No no, I want two piece on my plate!" Virginia snaps back, "You better no piss on the plate, you son of a *****!"

The tourist thought, "I no even know this woman, and already she calling me son of a *****!"

Later, he returns to the restaurant for lunch. This time, Virginia brings him a spoon and a knife, but no fork! He says to Virginia, "Virginia, I want a fork!" Virginia answers, "Everybody want a ****." "No no," the tourist says, "I want a fork on the table, Virginia!" This time Virginia shouts back, "You no **** Virginia on table, you son of a *****!"

Again the tourist thought, "I no even know this woman, and already she calling me son of a *****!"

Agitated, the tourist goes back to his hotel after sightseeing. His bed has a blanket, but no sheet! He calls up the manager and says, "I want a sheet!" The manager replies, "You go to toilet!" "No no," the tourist screams, "I want a sheet on my bed!" "You better no shit on the bed, you son of a *****!" The manager snaps back.

Once again the tourist thought, "I no even know this man, and already he calling me son of a *****!"

The next day, the tourist packs up his bags and heads for the airport.

"Peace to you," someone said as he boarded the airplane.

The tourist shouted, "Piss onna you too, I go back to Italy!"

From http://www.ai-megami.com/humor2.shtml

Audio at http://www.chezmaya.com/txt/04/sonnawabicth.htm (but not exactly the same )

[Jet]

Originally Posted by zy

english subs is funny

NIce joke.



Nice joke too, wodenus.

[Adrian Wong]

ROTFL!! That's a good one, wodenus!

[Jet]

Jokes Of Mr. Bean
1) BRAIN TUMOR:

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.

Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?

Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?

Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!


2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,
the answer is 6!!


3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:

Friend: What are you looking at?

Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!


5) Marriage:

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.


6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?

Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't
see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you took anyway?

Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.


7)DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:

Mr. Beancrying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.

Friend: condolence, my friend.

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder

Friend: what now?

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!


8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator
for 4 hrs because of a power failure.

Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.


9) Spelling lesson:

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

[Adrian Wong]

ROTFL!!!

[Jet]

The one about mr bean attending the meeting is the funniest.

The rest aren't very funny.

[deb_who]

Once there was a kid in kindergarten. His assignment for the first day was to figure out the first five letters of the alphabet.
So the boy went home and when he got inside his mom was on the phone. He asked her what the first letter of the alphabet was. She replied "shut-up" because she was on the phone. So he wrote it down.

Then he went to his sister who was listening to music. He asked her what the second letter of the alphabet was. She replied "boogie woogie woogie". So the boy wrote it down.

Next he went to his brother who was watching tv. He asked what the third letter of the alphabet was. He replied "superman!" So the boy wrote it down.

Then the boy went to his dad who was watching sports. He asked what the fourth letter of the alphabet was. He replied, "49-49". So the boy wrote it down.

Finally, he went to his mom again. She was cooking dinner. He asked her what the fifth letter of the alphabet was. She replied, "my buns are burning!". So the boy wrote it down.

So the nexy day ay school, the boys teacher asked what the first letter of the alphabet was. The boy raised his hand and blurted out "Shut up!". The teacher replied, "excuse me". The boy then said, "boogie woogie woogie". The teacher said, "who do you think you are?" The boy replied, "superman!". So the teacher sent him to the princapal.

The pricapal asked him how many whoopings he wanted. The boy then said, "49-49!"

The boy got his whoopings and the princapal said, "now, what do you have to say for yourself?" And the boy said,"my buns are burning!"

[deb_who]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest says.

[Adrian Wong]

ROTFL! I read the priest joke many times already but I still find it VERY funny!

Good one, deb_who!