the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

Dashken · Oct 13, 2008

I think posted before already. But...

Interpretation bias

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy .

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of

the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins,

the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek to represent them.

Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate. 'To make it

more interesting', he said, 'neither side would be allowed to talk'.

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Pek and the Pope

sat opposite each other.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Pek looked
back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Pek pointed
to the ground at where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Pek pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: 'I give up. This man is too good. The
Chinese can stay.'

The cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened ?
The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the holy
trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there
was still one God common to both our religions.'
'Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around
us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was
also right here with us.'

'I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He

showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer

for everything. What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek. 'What

happened?' they asked.

'Well,' said Ah Pek, 'First he indicated to me that all Chinese had

3 days to get out of here. I stuck my middle finger up and I replied to him f*@k

off and not one of us was leaving.'

'Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese.

I showed him that we are staying right here.'

'Yes, and then? and then??' asked the crowd.

'I don't know la', said Ah Pek, 'He took out his lunch, and I

took out mine lor !!!'

Confirm that the Chinese are the greatest.
Click to expand...

Chai · Oct 13, 2008

The Day the Pe nis asked for a Raise
Dear Virgina
I the Pe nis hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss
The Response:

Dear Penis
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina
Click to expand...

I think it was posted before, but still funny.

lee_what2004 · Oct 13, 2008

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."
Click to expand...

wonder what happened

lee_what2004 · Oct 13, 2008

A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"
Click to expand...

well, what can you say

Chai · Oct 13, 2008

lee_what2004 said: ↑

well, what can you say
Click to expand...

A son younger than 10 did that???

Chai · Oct 14, 2008

Tomato Story

A Jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft.

The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed" he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email".

"I'm sorry", said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,

he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ..

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.

When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.

The man replied, "I don't have an email."

The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!" The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story

Moral 1

Internet is not the only solution to your life.

Moral 2

If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3

If you have received this message by email/Internet,

you are closer to being a office boy/girl, than a millionaire...........
Click to expand...

strawroot · Oct 14, 2008

awesome!

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
Click to expand...

Chai · Oct 14, 2008

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
Click to expand...

lee_what2004 · Oct 14, 2008

One day, at work, Joe says to John behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," John replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the chemists at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs 20 bucks ...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the chemists. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. He hurries back to the chemists, eager to check the results. He deposits 20 bucks, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Click to expand...

when will it comes

Unixlord · Oct 14, 2008

OMG that's frickin hilarious!

Adrian Wong · Oct 14, 2008

LOL!! This thread is always good for many laughs after a long, tiring day!!

lee_what2004 · Oct 16, 2008

HUSBAND 1.0 There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change...

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.
Click to expand...

aKho · Oct 21, 2008

generalRage1982hrv said: ↑

hahahhahahahhahhahaha
Click to expand...

OMG, i laugh till cry...

lee_what2004 · Oct 26, 2008

# A pilot in Seattle...

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

# Another, more realistic version of this story:

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications qquipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign read: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at her map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

# Instructions for Micro$oft's new tv dinner product

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

<<\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:- )gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
Click to expand...

lee_what2004 · Oct 26, 2008

the wonderful moment with pet

4th one for extra

Eraser · Oct 26, 2008

I Am Participating!

All all that I am doing is just participating in the Tech ARP Forums from October 4 until December 28, 2008!

Zenphic · Oct 31, 2008

An oldie, but still one of my favourite April fool's joke:
Welcome to Visiontek: Unbelievably Real Graphics

The HD3870 x4 USB graphics stick steps into the future of gaming with dx12.1 gaming enabling the next generation’s generation of visual effects at an affordable price point. “VisionTek’s dedication to bring the dream technology into the market and decision to leap frog two generations of dx versions gives us a significant advantage in the industry. We’ve all just got to be patient and wait for the game titles to start rolling out.” stated Chris Rosman, CEO -Chief Entertainment Officer of VisionTek. “Our new HD3870 x4 USB Graphics Stick performs at zero energy levels, cooler temperatures, and offers more performance at than any other multi-processor USB graphics device in the universe. VisionTek is committed to green designs and the tiny energy efficient fans on the outside of the USB stick circulate the air to provide more oxygen flow for a better office environment.”
Click to expand...

Max_87 · Oct 31, 2008

Got this from a SMS

荧幕说: 我好惨啊...每天给人看.
键盘说: 我更惨呢每天给人打.
滑鼠说: 我才惨咧每天给人摸.
光碟机说: 我最惨每天给人插.
Floppy说: 我更惨现在没人插我了.
USB随身碟说: 谁有我惨?这边查完就去那边插,一不小心还要被感染.
Motherboard说: 不要以为我被很多东西插会很爽,它们插近来后都不动了,那才是难受啊.
最后音效卡说: 还说呢...明明是我在插你, 为什么都是我在叫???
Click to expand...

mikegas · Oct 31, 2008

Translation pls ..

lee_what2004 · Oct 31, 2008

Max_87 said: ↑

Got this from a SMS
Click to expand...

by Google Translate

Screen said: I am a good Jiren Kan Cana ... every day.
Keyboard: I give people a day to play it even worse.
Mouse: I feel miserable child's cry every day gives.
CD-ROM: I give the worst play every day.
Floppy: No one is even worse I play me.
USB Flash Disk: Who I am miserable? Check here END go play over there, even accidentally infected.
Motherboard: I do not think that was a lot of things will play Henshuang they did not play after the recent move, it is hard for me ah.
Finally, sound card, said: ... said it was obvious I plug in you that is why I call???
Click to expand...

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