the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

Chai · Aug 20, 2008

LMAO!!!

Chai · Aug 22, 2008

1) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints", But now they are called.. "IT professionals"

2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt : "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

3) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present.. Its just that,
One loves too much, And the other loves too many,

4) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

5) Philosophy of life
At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as
GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

6) What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach
When pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!

7) Useful
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"
No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8) Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"
Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..!

9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... Opening for you..! "
Applicant: What is it?
Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"

10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee..... Leave them to us
Click to expand...

Yukirin · Aug 22, 2008

Nice one. The 10th one is very funny. Almost sounds like Japan IT company slogan

argentino · Aug 22, 2008

...

woahh so funny

Falcone · Aug 28, 2008

The Mailman's Retirement

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Click to expand...

Falcone · Aug 28, 2008

Admiring Our Own Work

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
Click to expand...

Chai · Aug 28, 2008

2 really sick jokes!

Unixlord · Aug 28, 2008

Agreed but what is S/M?

lee_what2004 · Aug 29, 2008

.... ...

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home on sick leave.
Click to expand...

lee_what2004 · Aug 29, 2008

.... ...

Five reasons computers must be female...

5.- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4.- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3.- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.- The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

1.- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Click to expand...

Chai · Aug 30, 2008

1) I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

2) You can never kiss your own elbow !

3) Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?

4) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

5) Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

6) How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

7) Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

8) One should love animals. They are so tasty.

9) Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

10) Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

11) The wise never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.

12) Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

13) Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

14) 'Your future depends on your dreams' So go to sleep

15) There should be a better way to start a day. Than waking up every morning

16) 'Hard work never killed anybody' But why take the risk

17) 'Work fascinates me' I can look at it for hours

18) God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

19) The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

20) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. At my desk, I have a workstation ... what more can I say........

Bonus
21) 93% of the people who read #2, would have tried to kiss their elbow!
Click to expand...

lee_what2004 · Aug 30, 2008

well, something about interview

Max_87 · Aug 30, 2008

HAHAHA! Now we all know what to expect if we were to go for a job interview in IKEA

generalRage1982hrv · Aug 31, 2008

hahahhahahahhahhahaha

Adrian Wong · Aug 31, 2008

generalRage1982hrv said: ↑

hahahhahahahhahhahaha
Click to expand...

OMG. It does look like him.

I wouldn't be surprised if we were to later see two TV studio guards jump on him, live on TV!

Falcone · Sep 5, 2008

Ok you probably need to be a Malaysian or Singaporean to fully understand this....

Q&A -Miss M'sia

One of the main reasons why in recent years the
Malaysian Government has always ensured that their
Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level
education or higher was because of the following
incident which occurred not too many years ago.

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and
the 3 finalists, Miss USA , Miss Malaysia and Miss
Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical
appliance starting with 'L'
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Singapore : Light bulb
Miss Malaysia : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter 'L'

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name
me an animal starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Singapore : Leopard
Miss Malaysia : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that
starts with 'L'
Miss USA : Lexus
Miss Singapore : Lamborghini
Miss Malaysia : Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a
fruit starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Singapore : Lychee
Miss Malaysia , with full of confidence, smiles and
says: LIEWLIAN!!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted
the board of judges to determine if Miss Malaysia
should really be disqualified ; and they decided that
since Miss Malaysia was having so many problems with
the letter 'L', they decided to give her another
chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human
anatomy starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Singapore : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Malaysia : LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!!
Click to expand...

Unixlord · Sep 5, 2008

What's lan ciau? (for non-malaysians)

Chai · Sep 5, 2008

Your "wee-wee". Presuming if you are a guy.

lee_what2004 · Sep 6, 2008

here how it works

How the Xbox Came Into Being:-

One Monday morning, at Microsoft HQ:

Bill Gates: Ok, associates, what other things can we do to suck the public dry of cash?

Ass#1: The video game area is a booming industry, your Highness.

Bill: Yes! That's a great idea. What designs do we have in the making?

Ass#2: Well, we want something original, since every other company has a different look to their machines. Nintendo's new machine looks like a handbag, Sony's looks like a VCR, and Sega's looks like a misshapen box. Any ideas?

Bill: Well, here's an idea. We want to cross off all competition, right?

Ass#1: Yeah...?

Bill: And since the thing is going to look boxy anyway, we might as well put Box in the name, right?

Ass#2: Sounds good, highness.

Bill: So our new machine will be called the Xbox!

All: RAH RAH RAH! GO MICROSOFT GO! WE'LL BEAT UP EVERY OTHER BUSINESS SCHMO!

Bill: Alright, now what should we put in the box?

Ass#3: Well, based on estimates, the best competitor has a 405 Mhz processor, so let's top that!

Bill: Sounds good.

Ass#2: And the PS2 can generate 66 million polys/sec. How many can our top-of-the-line P4s generate?

Ass#1: Easily more with a Voodoo5. Let's throw that in!

Bill: Okay. Now, what games can we put on it? Age of Empires is a no-brainer, but what else?

Ass#2: Well, Command & Conquer is a good franchise. And we can always buy some others that we don't have control of already...

Bill: Good. Let's go buy a few big-name game franchises, and Microsoftify them!

All: Here here!

Ass#3: One final thing. Many people who bought the PS2 bought it for its DVD capability. Should we throw that in?

Bill: Yeah, but make it an extra, so that they have to pay more if they want it.

Ass#1: Very lucrative thinking, highness.

Bill: Yes, thank you for the compliment. You deserve a raise. In fact, you all do. Bring a prototype to me before Friday, and you all get a 200% raise!

All: Here here! GO M$ GO!
Click to expand...

lee_what2004 · Sep 8, 2008

well, you get the idea

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
Click to expand...

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the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

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