Husband and Wife Husband: Oh, come on. Wife: Leave me alone! Husband: It won't take long. Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. Husband: I can't sleep without it. Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Husband: Because I'm Hot. Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times. Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you. Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate. Husband: You don't love me anymore. Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Husband: Please...come on Wife: Alright, I'll do it. Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight? Wife: I can't find it. Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it! Wife: There! Are you satisfied? Husband: Oh, yes. Wife: Is it up far enough? Husband: Oh, that's good. Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks round nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'
How to tell the sex of a fly? A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" - He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. ..... Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Indian Names & What They Mean A little Indian boy asked his father, "Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, or Chinese men have Ah Kow, Ah Loong for example?" His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in Malaysia?
Mary Lou A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied "Your horse called."
Once upon a time there was the three guys who were incarcerated and were sent to the prison. Prior to that, they were allowed to bring one item with them to occupy the time while being imprisoned. In the truck, the first man turned to the another and asked "So, what did'ja bring?" He answered, "A box of paints. For me to paint pictures while killing time there. Who knows, they might sell!" Then he asked the first convict - "So what's yours then?" "Mine will be a deck of cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and many more games." The third convict grinned. The two guys asked, "Why are you smiling? What did you bring?" Casually he answered while pointing at and reading the package, "Oh, a box of tampons! With that I can go swimming, horse-back riding, jogging..."
An Irish priest was transferred to the Ballina Catholic Church. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn " Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Confucius says... Confucius says... Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN THE UK .... You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter ... The interview was as follows: The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?" The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.. but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?" Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?" Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?" The program was never aired . . . .
A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor. The attorney replies, "Sure! As soon as the police leave."
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer. “As you are fitting her glasses, if she asks how much they cost, you say ‘$150.’ “If her eyes don’t flutter, say, ‘For the frames. The lenses will be $100.’ “If her eyes still don’t flutter, you add, ‘Each.’”
