Ripped off from another (car) forum: Only those that are handy with their hands (in a non-fapping manner) will probably get this (aka know how to use tools - and have used them before)...
Dave, John and Sam were involved in a horrific car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter came up to them and said, 'You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds and will have your transport chosen accordingly' Saint Peter looked at Dave. 'You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times. For this you will drive around heaven in an old, beat-up Skoda.' Next Saint Peter looked at John. 'You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this you will forever travel through heaven in a Lada station wagon.' Saint Peter finally looked at Sam. 'You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex before marriage and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.' A short time later, John and Dave pulled their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying. 'What's wrong Sam?' they asked. 'You got the Ferrari. You're set forever. Why so down?' Sam looked up ever so slowly, opened his mouth and cried, 'I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!!'
Hmm, I probably prefer a beat-up Skoda over a Lada station wagon! I mean, Skoda is a better car, not because I want to cheat more.
Once upon a time a rich man bought a parrot as a pet, and after a few weeks having him around in the garden all he said was "Let's make love!". Feeling disturbed and embarrassed, he spoke to his friend who is a pastor in a local church about his pet. "Maybe if you bring your parrot over to my church after morning, I'll introduce it to one of my parrots, which only said 'Let us pray' at all times." He suggested. "Sooner or later your parrot learn about praying after mingling with our parrot" he continued. So the rich man brought his parrot to the church the next day and placed it with the pastor's parrot. The parrot blurted, "Let's make love!" in which the pastor's parrot replied immediately: "Yes!! My prayers have been answered!"
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I’ll donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Forgive us for disturbing you, Holy Father. I really need your help. I'll donate $100 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "Hmm, the church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities too." The Pope paused for a while and said, "Let me get back to you. Please hold on sir." On the phone, the Colonel overheard the Pope speaking loudly to the cardinal while the phone is covered: "How long do we have on that Hi-Fibre bread contract anyway?"
A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?" And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man." So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind. She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "Oh, nice jugs! I'm here to check your blinds."
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horses decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: "Pastor's Ass Shows." The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won! The local paper read: "Pastor's Ass Out in Front." The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Pastor's Ass". The bishop was fit to be tied! He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town." The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00." After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free".
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?' 'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'
