A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem. The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination." The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive." The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem." Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again." _______________________________ A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again." _______________________________ Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31 _______________________________ How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat." _______________________________ The Programmers' Cheer Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! _______________________________ If you can pick it up, it's a PC. If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer. But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe. _______________________________ Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it. _______________________________ The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!" The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors." I have an 600 Pages jokes book with all programmers jokes... my dad was working for the 2k bug and the company who he worked to given this book to each employees
Here an couple of new ones for today APL is a write-only language. In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to. With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet. A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or Fortran. ___________________________________________________ Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis? Because it is below C level. ___________________________________________________ Programming Languages are Like Cars Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain. FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road. FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford. FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts. COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work. BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one. PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield. C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler). ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car. ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it. Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types. LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available. PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars. FORTH: A go-cart. LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn. APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek. Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you. Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle. ___________________________________________________ What is an example of a never halting program? Friedrichs and Magnus in front of an open elevator, each saying "you go first". ___________________________________________________ Why Client Server Computing is like Teenage Sex It is on everybody's mind all the time. Everyone is talking about it all the time. Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it. Almost no one is really doing it. The few who are doing it are: # doing it poorly; # sure it will be better next time; # not practicing it safely. ___________________________________________________ Life Before the Computer An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue Web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead! ___________________________________________________ There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
Dad: My Son, I want you to marry a woman I choose. Son: Sorry, dad! I only want to marry to the one I choose. Dad: But, my son, this woman is Bill Gates daughter. Son: Really, dad? If so, I agree. The very next day, dad go to meet Bill Gates Dad: I have chose a future-husband for your daughter. Bill Gates: But, my daughter is still too young to get married. Dad: Wait. The future-husband I'm talking is vice president of World Bank. Bill Gates: You are serious? If so, I agree. At last, dad go to meet World Bank's President. Dad: I have a young man to be your vice president. President: Oh, sorry, I have too many applicant for that job. Dad: But you don't know that this man is Bill Gates son-in-law? President: Are you serious? If so, I agree.
Software Development Cycle 1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. 2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. 4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. 5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. 6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. 7. Users find 137 new bugs. 8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. 9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. 10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. 11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. 12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. 13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free... I Think this happened with crysis
