the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by TungstenBoy, Dec 30, 2003.

  1. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    Here's more! :mrgreen:

    -----------

    BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
    ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
    training.

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
    face.
    ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

    SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
    textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
    limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

    SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him.

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
    them.

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
    you're in.
    FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.

    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar.
     
  2. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

    "This is it," replied his wife. "I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."

    The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

    "I am a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing. "Yes," he said. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."

    :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  3. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

    "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

    "I know all that."

    "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

    "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

    Hehehehee.... :haha: :haha:
     
  4. The_YongGrand

    The_YongGrand Just Started

    :faint:
     
  5. The_YongGrand

    The_YongGrand Just Started

    :haha: :faint:
     
  6. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    ROTFL!!! Those two are absolutely hilarious!!! Good finds! :thumb: :thumb:
     
  7. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    This is a really good one, IMHO! :D

     
  8. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    Here's another military joke.. :D

     
  9. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    Anyone remember floppy disks???? :D

    Floppy disk care
    By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.

    1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
    2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
    3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
    4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
    5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
    6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
    7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
    8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
    9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
    10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
    11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
     
  10. Falcone

    Falcone Official Mascot Creator

    Hahaha I'm not sure some of it are serious or a joke. I do remember punching a hole on a 5 1/4 Diskette to make it double sided. :faint: :faint: :faint:
     
  11. The_YongGrand

    The_YongGrand Just Started

    :faint:
     
  12. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    ROTFL!! I can believe that! :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  13. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    This is a bit long, but funny! :D

     
  14. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    Check this out! :mrgreen:

     
  15. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    Here's another... :D

    :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  16. The_YongGrand

    The_YongGrand Just Started

    :faint:
     
  17. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

    The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

    After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

    "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
    :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  18. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

    "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

    "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

    :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
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  20. The_YongGrand

    The_YongGrand Just Started

    Classic one and funny! :faint:
     

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