the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

Dashken · Jan 12, 2004

LOL! In the end, it's so short that it sounds like German.

Adrian Wong · Jan 12, 2004

Dashken said:

LOL! In the end, it's so short that it sounds like German.
Click to expand...

That's the idea, I think!

TungstenBoy · Jan 12, 2004

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 12, 2004

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 12, 2004

dis 1 mebbe a bit sensitivve aaarrrrrr........

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 12, 2004

Corporate Lessons

Lesson number one:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, ''Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?''

The crow answered: ''Sure, why not.'' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Click to expand...

Lesson number two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

''I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,'' sighed the turkey, ''but I haven't got the energy.''

''Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?'' replied the bull. ''They're packed with nutrients.''

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a forth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. '
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 12, 2004

difference between man & woman.......

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 12, 2004

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Click to expand...

.........
.........
heeiiiiiiiiiiiiii........now u all post ur jokes larrrrr!!!!!!!!

Falcone · Jan 13, 2004

Halloween Costume

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"
Click to expand...

Falcone · Jan 13, 2004

Psychology Trick

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
Click to expand...

Falcone · Jan 13, 2004

Smart Diagnosis Machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Click to expand...

Falcone · Jan 13, 2004

Christmas Gift

A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas
gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long,
after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a
fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself.

While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man.

The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
Showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love.

(P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Click to expand...

Falcone · Jan 13, 2004

Radio Show

Just keep in mind this was on live radio....
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.

This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First name only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married" or what, Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.

Brian: About 8 this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...

DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones...*ringing*)

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World.

Sara: All right.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING.

DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last?

Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14 minutes I think DING DING DING.

DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Last question: where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!

Brian: Just tell him honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?

Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: SHE SAW?!?!

Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!

Brian: NO, no she didn't.

DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: In the ass. (long pause)

DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 13, 2004

is dat realli true????????...... IN THE A55!!!!!!!!!!

TungstenBoy · Jan 15, 2004

i start posting again......

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.

The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?''

The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''

The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 15, 2004

dis is a funnie one!!!!!!!

A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 15, 2004

BLONDE JOKES!!!!!!!!!

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.
Click to expand...

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

Not everyone's been in a 747!
Click to expand...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Click to expand...

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.

One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
Click to expand...

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.
Click to expand...

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.
Click to expand...

Dashken · Jan 15, 2004

> >There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little

girl

> >coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was

reading.

> >

> >The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the

newspaper?"

> >

> >Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and

the

> >guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous

pain.

> >The police asked him what happened.

> >

> >The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl

> >asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is

I'm

> >here."

> >

> >The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her. What did

you do

> >to that naked fellow?"

> >

> >After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with

his

> >bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set

its

> >nest on fire!"

> >

> >Moral of the story------------> Never lie to girls
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 15, 2004

read dis one!!!!!!!

One evening a mom and dad and two sons are watching TV. The dad gives the mom a look, and they head upstairs.

The two little boys wonder what they are doing, so they go up to take a peek.

''Well,'' said the older boy, ''remember this when mom gets on your case for sucking your thumb!''
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 15, 2004

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
Click to expand...

Log in or Sign up

the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

Dashken Administrator!

Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Dashken Administrator!

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Share This Page

Log in or Sign up

the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

Dashken Administrator!

Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Dashken Administrator!

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Share This Page

Useful Searches