the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

Adrian Wong · Oct 19, 2006

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

He said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

He thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
Click to expand...

Adrian Wong · Oct 19, 2006

Check this sexual calorie counter out!

Adrian Wong · Oct 19, 2006

Some Q&As...

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
Click to expand...

Max_87 · Oct 19, 2006

Nice one!

Chai · Oct 19, 2006

Dumb but funny jokes haha

The_YongGrand · Oct 22, 2006

Back around in '94, there was a scientist who discovered a flaw in the early Pentium Processors - the FDIV bug.

The calculation was something like that -

4195835.0/3145727.0 = 1. 333 820 449 136 241 000 (correct value)

4195835.0/3145727.0 = 1. 333 739 068 902 037 589 (Pentium processor's bug)

So that kind of problem, of course, in the computer folklore, gave birth to some funny jokes:

Intels new motto: "United We Stand, Divided We Fall"

Intel, Quality is Job 0.99989960954

The Pentium doesn't have bugs or produce errors; it's just
Precision-Impaired.

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
Click to expand...

ToyotaFreak · Nov 2, 2006

No offence ladies.....

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.............................................49

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone

Athletic......................................No boobs

Average looking..................................Ugly

Beautiful...........................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure......................On medication

Feminist.......................................... Fat

Free spirit....................................Junkie

Friendship first..........................Former very *friendly* person

Fun..........................................Annoy ing

New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned..................................No BJs

Open-minded.................................Desperate

Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk

Professional....................................B!tch

Voluptuous...................................Very Fat

Large frame................................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
.
.
.
WOMEN'S LANGUAGE:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
.
.
.
MEN'S LANGUAGE:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.

3. I am tired = I am tired.

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now.

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
Click to expand...

*Runs away*

strawroot · Nov 2, 2006

hahhahahahah everything also leads to sex eventually

ToyotaFreak · Nov 2, 2006

Office Toilet Joke.

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more
consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all.

In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the
sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:

1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip
credits.

2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will
not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.

3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall
occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into
dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.

4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board.

5. Anyone caught smiling in the photo will undergo counseling.

6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening.
Click to expand...

PsYkHoTiK · Nov 11, 2006

Don't know if this has been posted before or not. But men ponder not on such trivial matters! LOL!

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6: Any complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge
is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is
unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday
is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never, ever
ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel ... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by
the phone to avoid any confusion. Be prepared to hang up immediately,
if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken, monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling
weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again
before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green (except a certain '69 Dodge),
orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who answers the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets
an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for any man to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. NEVER, EVER !
Click to expand...

Took this off another forum.

strawroot · Nov 14, 2006

A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go doggy style!!!!"
Click to expand...

Adrian Wong · Nov 27, 2006

ROTFL!!! Any more??? These are hilarious!!

PsYkHoTiK · Nov 29, 2006

Another one from another forum.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.X. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.X installed itself into all other
programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racin' R/C 4.6, I can't seem to keep Wife 1.X in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. Wife constantly Pops Up making odd quacking sounds over anything I'm doing and annoys me with things that it wants me to do, places it wants me to go or products it wants me to buy. I've turned my speakers down to the point that I can't hear the racket but still I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0. Will the complete uninstall work on Wife 1.X. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.X, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.X is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.X and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or
purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.X is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.X manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.X and work on improving the situation. The alternative is a complete reformat that causes most Men to lose everything and start over. Your system would have to be completely hosed to warrant such a drastic remedy and even then you will end up reinstalling the latest version of Wife 1.x and probably end up hosed again before it's over.

I suggest installing this workaround application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best long term course of action is to click Start-Run and enter the command C:\SystemRestore\Apologize32.exe because ultimately you will have to execute the Apologize32 process before the system will return to normal anyway. This command should be run repeatedly until system is restored. If your system says "Apologize32.exe File Not Found" you should check your path statement first and make sure you haven't copied it over to some archive folder. Otherwise, you better hope you haven't emptied the recycle bin, because this is one thing you can never afford to permanently delete.

Wife 1.X is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.X comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.X is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt and Thong 6.9. This application is not supported by Wife 1.X and the conflicts will cause irreversible damage to your entire operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support
Click to expand...

LMAO this part is awesome...

"Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.X is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! "

strawroot · Nov 30, 2006

hahaha i read this before, but its still funny

Chai · Nov 30, 2006

Adrian Wong said: ↑

Check this sexual calorie counter out!
Click to expand...

I missed this! Just read this, really LMAO!!!

ToyotaFreak · Dec 1, 2006

Blonde Logic

>
> Two blondes living in Jumeirah were sitting on a bench talking ...
>
> And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
> away..Abu Dhabi or the moon?"
>
> The other blonde turns and says "Halloooooooooooooo, can you see Abu
> Dhabi?"
>
>
> CAR TROUBLES
>
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic
> it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
>
> She says, "What's the story?"
>
> He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
>
> She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
>
>
> RIVER WALK
>
> There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
> another blonde on the opposite ban. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
> get to the other side?
>
> The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, and shouts
> back, "You ARE on the other side!"
>
>
> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
>
> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
> her body hurt wherever she touched it.
>
> "Impossible!" says the doctor; "show me."
>
> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,
> then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
> and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
>
> Everywhere she touched made her scream.
>
> The doctor said, "You are not really a redhead, are you?"
>
> "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
>
> "I thought so," the doctor said - "Your finger is broken!"
>
>
> IN A VACUUM
>
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
> rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
> "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
>
> She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it ON or OFF?"
Click to expand...

ToyotaFreak · Dec 2, 2006

5 DON'Ts when you are sleeping

>DON'T SLEEP WITH A WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.

>DON'T SLEEP WITH A PHONE
Placing the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not
encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.

>DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulties in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.

>DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.

>DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE OR HUSBAND
You may never wake up again....
Click to expand...

strawroot · Dec 4, 2006

3 virgin daughters

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all
getting married within a short time period. Because
Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life
would get started, she made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few
words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days
after the wedding. The card said nothing
but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then
went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It
said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but
was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a
week after the wedding, and the card
read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go
straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read
from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long.
King
Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but
still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the
Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing.
Another week went by, and still, nothing. Then,
after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written
on it, in shaky handwriting, were the
words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest
Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the
pages, fearing the worst, and finally found the ad
for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day,
seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.
Click to expand...

Chai · Dec 4, 2006

Some funny pics...

strawroot · Dec 5, 2006

haha absolute vodka at work!
the toilet paper for mother in law is cool

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