the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by TungstenBoy, Dec 30, 2003.

  1. u

    u ■ ■ ■ ■

    both ways? i dont quite get it.. :think:
  2. strawroot

    strawroot I Lurrrve Panda Biscuit!

    In conjunction with the movie Deja Vu...

  3. Max_87

    Max_87 huehuehue

    Deja poo LOL :haha:
  4. zachig

    zachig Newbie

    Hehehe!!! Hillarious!!! :haha:
  5. jinongman

    jinongman Newbie

  6. jinongman

    jinongman Newbie

  7. Max_87

    Max_87 huehuehue

    Yeah, they are allowed but why don't you just copy and paste them here? :mrgreen:
  8. jinongman

    jinongman Newbie

    Last edited: Dec 21, 2006
  9. Chai

    Chai Administrator Staff Member

  10. slugbug

    slugbug Newbie

    A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a beautiful female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

    Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

    The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day he announced that he would accept their offer but only under four conditions.

    "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

    "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

    "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again, it was agreed.

    "And lastly", Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."
  11. slugbug

    slugbug Newbie

    A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
    Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
    "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
    So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
    Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
    "Well, now they know you're one of us", said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
    "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
  12. slugbug

    slugbug Newbie

    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young
    woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As
    the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
    driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
    thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
    behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second
    time attempted the step.
    Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her
    leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
    to unzip a little more and again! was unable to take the step.
    About this time, a large Bretoner who was standing
    behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan
    and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
    The man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
    would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
  13. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    ROTFL!!! Hilarious!! Great jokes, slugbug! :thumb: :thumb:
  14. sbrehm72255

    sbrehm72255 Newbie

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car, The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir', The driver says, 'Gee officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs recalibrating'.
    Not looking up from her knitting, his wife says, 'Now don't be silly
    dear, you know this car doesn't have cruise control',
    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over as his wife and growls, 'Can't you keep your mouth shut for once'.
    The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off went it did'.
    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
    detector unit, the man glowers and says through clenched teeth, 'Darn it, woman can't you keep your mouth shut?'
    The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt sir'. That's an automatic $75 fine'.
    The driver says, 'Yea, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it
    off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket'.
    The wife says, 'Now dear, your know very well that your didn't have your seat belt on .. you never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver
    turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?'
    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, M'am?'

    'Only when he's been drinking'.
  15. sbrehm72255

    sbrehm72255 Newbie

    Words Women Use:
    1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

    8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F--- YOU!

    9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

    Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know its true.
  16. sbrehm72255

    sbrehm72255 Newbie

    Blondes Year In Review

    January - Took new neck tie back to store because it was too tight.

    February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

    March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 said "2-4 years!"

    April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!

    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

    June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

    August - Got locked out of my car in rain swamped because soft-top was open.

    September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

    October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

    November - Baked turkey for 7 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 165!!

    December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
  17. Adrian Wong

    Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

    ROTFL!! Read them before, but they never fail to get me cracking up again! :haha: :haha: :thumb:
  18. cyberguy

    cyberguy Newbie

    TechARP Exclusive!

    The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!

  19. cyberguy

    cyberguy Newbie

    On the polar express...

    A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

    After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

    In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

    The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

    The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

    "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
  20. Chai

    Chai Administrator Staff Member

    LMAO!!! That's funny!

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