the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

TungstenBoy · Jan 7, 2004

actual medical notes........dunno true or not.......

----Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
----Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
----On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
----The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
----Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
----Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
----The patient refused autopsy.
----The patient has no previous history of suicides.
----Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
----Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
----She is numb from her toes down.
----Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
----I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
----Skin: somewhat pale but present.
----The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 7, 2004

dis one realli funnie!!!!!!!!!

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 7, 2004

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office.

She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?"

There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 7, 2004

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee.

One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enough that he just gave away a huge portfolio.”

The next guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.”

The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”

Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'

“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied.

“Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 7, 2004

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.

''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.''

''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''

''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,'' she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.''

''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?''

''No,'' the priest says, ''but it'll wipe that smile off your face!''
Click to expand...

Adrian Wong · Jan 8, 2004

ROTFL!!! Great jokes everyone!

Falcone · Jan 8, 2004

Britney Joke- Locked Car

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do.

Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said," Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!"
Click to expand...

Falcone · Jan 8, 2004

Said In Court

These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Click to expand...

Falcone · Jan 8, 2004

Horse and Chicken

One day a horse and a chicken were walking along on the farm, talking quietly to themselves. All of a sudden, the horse falls into a hole that he didn't see.

The horse says to the chicken, "Go get the farmer. He'll know what to do." So, the chicken runs off.

About 10 minutes later, the horse hears a car, and he sees the chicken's head peer over the top of the hole. The chicken says, "I couldn't find the farmer, but I got his car. Hold this rope, and I'll try to drag you out." So, after a few minutes, the horse was safely out of the hole.

About a month later, both had forgotten all about the hole. They were once again talking and walking about the farm, when all of a sudden, the chicken falls into the same hole. The chicken says to the horse, "Go get the farmer; he'll know what to do."

But the horse walks around the hole and says, "I think I can stand over the hole. Grab my thingy, and I'll pull you out." And so, about 5 minutes later, the chicken was safely out of the hole.

This time, they remembered the hole, and never got stuck again.

Moral: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a car to pick up a chick!
Click to expand...

Falcone · Jan 8, 2004

A Nun In A Taxi

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''

''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''

She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''

The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''

The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''

''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''

The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''
Click to expand...

Falcone · Jan 8, 2004

Now this is a bit dirty, but so damn funny

The Voodoo Dick!

A businessman, who would take extended business trips, was tired of his wife's extracurricular activities while he was away. So he decides to get her some "toys" to keep her occupied while he's gone.

He goes to an adult store, and strikes up a conversation with the old guy behind the counter, explaining his situation to him. The old guy says, "Well, we have all kinds of toys, vibrators, stimulators, but, I don't know of anything that could keep her busy for a month at a time. However, there is....... no, never mind." The businessman says, "What is it? Come on, tell me." The old guy says, "Well, there is the Voodoo Dick."

The old man reaches under the counter, and brings out an old wooden box with strange carvings on it. When he opened the lid, there was a very ordinary-looking vibrator inside, nestled in velvet.

The businessman says, "That looks like everything else you've got in the store. What's so special about that?" "Ah," the old man says, "but watch what it can do." The old guy points to the door and says, "Voodoo Dick, the door." The Voodoo Dick rose up out of the box, flew at the door, and started to screw the keyhole. After a few minutes, a long crack opened in the middle of the door from the forceful thrusts, and the old guy said, "Voodoo Dick, the box." The Voodoo Dick stopped, and floated back to settle in the box again.

The businessman was stunned. "It's perfect!" He decided to buy it, but the old guy said, "It's not for sale." After some discussion, they settled on a price of $700.00, and the businessman drove home to get ready for his trip.

Before leaving, he gave the Voodoo Dick to his wife. "Now, I don't want any of your boyfriends over here while I'm gone, so if you get horny, all you have to do is say, Voodoo Dick, my pussy, and it'll take care of you."

Sure enough, a few days after the man left, his wife was thinking about which guy to call when she remembered the Voodoo Dick. She took off her clothes, laid on the bed, and said, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy." The Voodoo Dick floated up out of the box, and flew at her crotch. The thrusts were like she had never felt before, and within a few minutes had several orgasms, but after the 5th one, she decided she had enough.

Unfortunately, her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop it. She tried repeatedly to pull it out, as numerous orgasms left her limp as a dishrag. She finally decided she had to go to the hospital for help.

She got up, shakily put her clothes on, and got in her car. On the way to the hospital, a particularly intense orgasm ripped through her, and she swerved the car, almost hitting a telephone pole. A police cruiser noticed her car weaving all over the road, and he pulled her over.

The cop demanded to see her license, registration and insurance, and said to her, "Ma'am, how much have you had to drink tonight? I've been following you for 2 miles and you're all over the road."

The woman, lying weakly in the driver's seat says, "Oh no, Officer. I haven't had anything to drink. I have to go to the hospital because I have a Voodoo Dick stuck in my pussy that keeps making me cum and I can't get it out."

The cop just looks at her for a minute, and says, "Yeah, right. Voodoo Dick, my ass."
Click to expand...

Max_87 · Jan 8, 2004

Big Boss Man

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
Click to expand...

now this is REALLY REALLY funny

TungstenBoy · Jan 9, 2004

waaaaa......so many new jokes!!!!!!!
come come!!!!!!.....more jokes!!!!!!!!

TungstenBoy · Jan 9, 2004

here is new 1 from me!!!!!!

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 9, 2004

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shirt?
It stands for, "Tits Go In Front."

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shirt?
It stands for, "Tits Go In Front."
Click to expand...

Falcone · Jan 9, 2004

ok this is not exactly jokes, but did really happen.

Good Slips Of Tongue!

SPORTS COMMENTATOR SLIP-UPS :

- "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter : Former Boxer)

-"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."
(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)

- "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh horse racing commentator)

- "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett: NBA Basketball Player )

- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which
is identical."
(Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

- "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother."
(Greg Norman : Golfer) (Must be CS5's family )

- "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again."
(Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)

- "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)

- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing
the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

- "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field"
(Metro Radio : Julian Dicks is now a retired footballer)

- "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for
even longer."
(David Acfield : Cricket Player)

- "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in
football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

- "And there goes (Alberto) Juantorena down the back straight, opening
his legs and showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

- "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that
before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.....Oh
my God! What have I just said?!!!"
(US PGA Commentator)

- "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is
behind the brown."
(Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)

- True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So,
Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, as they were laughing so
hard!!
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 9, 2004

funnie comments!!!!......all dat can consider jokes!!!!! .....ppl realli funie!!!!
see dis one!!!!

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been real good friends for a long time. Well one day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.

When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and stuff they had going into the deacon.

The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand.

''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes.

So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.

At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service.

''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''

The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 9, 2004

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrarri?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside...
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 9, 2004

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.

The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
Click to expand...

TungstenBoy · Jan 9, 2004

dis one a bit politic......

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.
The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."
Click to expand...

Log in or Sign up

the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Max_87 huehuehue

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Share This Page

Log in or Sign up

the ARP jokes thread!!!!!....come post ur jokes here!!!!!!

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Adrian Wong Da Boss Staff Member

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

Max_87 huehuehue

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Falcone Official Mascot Creator

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

TungstenBoy Newbie

Share This Page

Useful Searches